I just finished reading a book called Good News About Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching by Christopher West. Mine was not the revised edition the link goes to.
As a convert this book was helpful. It went into greater depth on many subjects than hubby could, and it answered my questions - some of which I didn't even know I had. More than that, the book solidified my theory that there is a great divide between society and Christian morals. I know that's like pointing to the sky and saying, "look! It's blue!" but the separation is more noticeable to me now.
Before I had even thought about converting, in 2006(ish), I was living with my first boyfriend. I had been neglecting my religious life except to attend a church camp during high school ('06 was my graduation year) but I still held firm to waiting until marriage...until pushover me happened. I was devastated, and I should have known right then and there to leave and put myself back together, but the stubborn me decided I could make things right if only I married this boy. I was 18, and being 18 I was pretty dumb. Maybe not dumb, but certainly clueless.
At any rate, I would come across the Christian teaching of sex and marriage in various ways and I would willfully ignore it. I chose not to acknowledge it because it made me uncomfortable. I wouldn't even take the time to really think about why it made me uncomfortable, I'd just forget about it and go about my merry way. Because if I didn't pretend it didn't exist (via making fun of it with all of my other liberal friends) I had to look my mistake square in the eyes and completely reorder my life. I knew I was wrong, and I knew I wasn't happy, but I wasn't willing to face the amount of change that needed to happen to make things right. It wasn't until I was completely miserable that I decided to make a change, but even then it was a pathetic change, and I didn't learn anything.
I didn't learn anything because according to society I had nothing to learn, I just had to find myself a better boy.
So I went on toeing around the Christian teaching, making absurd excuses like, "everybody else does it," to bandage the wound I had so covertly inflicted upon myself. I say covertly because I didn't even realize what I was doing when it happened, all I knew was that I was hurting. I spent a few years playing the blame game and pointing fingers to things that had nothing to do with my pain. But it always came back, and each time it was a little more acute. I was bandaging the wound, but not cleaning it so that it could truly heal.
Then I met my husband.
We had a lot of conversations while riding around the city in his car. A very large portion of them was me posing theoretical situations to him regarding Christian teaching. Eventually I decided to go to midnight mass, and then I made the commitment to convert. It took me a long time to level with my past decisions, and I still haven't found peace from them, but I'm getting there: it's hard to say, "yeah, I messed up," instead of making excuses.
But now I understand the way things are meant to be. I understand that society has degraded and is degrading sex in such a way that is laying the foundation for social turmoil. The separation that has occurred regarding sexuality is quietly destructive. Women complain that they can't find a decent man, but they don't understand that a huge part of the reason for this is because of what society is teaching. A lot of people seem to miss the real importance of the contraceptive debate for this reason. More is at stake here than people realize, and those that don't see are (more often than not) blinded by the intentional divorce of sex and children.
Showing posts with label Hardship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hardship. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
High-school Never Ends.
I was walking into DSW to check out their clearance rack when someone in the parking lot made a pretty loud moaning sound. I realized when I looked that this person was laughing at something with a friend so I went on my merry way. While I was going on my merry way her friend - or her, I'm not sure which - said, "she's wearing that skirt," in the most sarcastic tone she could muster it seemed. I'm not sure if they were trying to pick a fight with me, but they were certainly being responsible adults. I didn't give the lady a funny look or anything; her loud noise made me look over impulsively, an instant reaction, because something about it made me wonder if everything was okay.
So I spent some time being offended. The five-year-old me crossed her arms and stuck out her pouty lip saying, "that wasn't very nice..."
I don't think race had anything to do with that, but it reminded me of something that happened to me a long time ago:
It was near midnight on a Friday and I was sitting at a stop light enjoying some rather loud techno on channel 93.3's Eleven program (before they started playing crappy techno) when a white car pulled up next to me. This car was full of drunk girls (that is giving them the benefit of the doubt, I don't know if they were actually drunk). The passenger got my attention and had me lower my music. What she proceeded to do was fling racial slurs at me. She looked so proud of herself while she did it too.
I don't remember what she said, or what I did because the whole thing was so surreal, but I'm pretty sure I did something dumb like say, "uh, okay," and roll up my window. She laughed and laughed and laughed at my reaction though.
I spent a good deal of time being offended over that one, and it still irks me to think about it. The five-year-old me wanted to throw something and cry, and she still kind of pouts about it.
This happened in at least 2008, maybe 2009. So a while ago.
In high-school I spent a week being physically ill because when I turned down one of my classmates for a date he decided that he, and all of his friends, would spread rumours about having slept with me. He had a lot of friends.
When I turned him down he said, "it's because I'm black, isn't it?"
I wasn't clever enough at the time, but I should have said, "no, but now it's because you pulled the race card."
In middle school I also spent some time feeling physically ill when girls I thought were my friends started spreading a rumour that I had gotten a favourite teacher of the class suspended and/or fired (I can't remember which) for reading out of the bible. The ring leader for this one was Jewish and I was Christian. It was her father who had gotten him in trouble, but for whatever reason she decided I should take the fall.
The whole thing was pretty ridiculous, seeing as nothing needed to be said about it. I was kind of sad the teacher was gone, but it wasn't the end of the world to me. I guess other people thought it was really important though.
Things like these tend to just happen to me, and I'm not fast enough on the uptake to really respond properly. It takes me a moment to process events and decide how I feel about them. In the mean time, I usually end up doing something stupid that I look back on and facepalm.
They do say that hindsight is 20/20.
The original point of this is that I think it's ridiculous that people who are supposed to be full-grown adults can be so spiteful and immature.
FAIR WARNING: do not read past this point if you are easily traumatized.
On a related note of losing faith in the human race: There's a case of a man raping his girlfriend's 6-month-old daughter to death. He was convicted, and sentenced to the death penalty but now his attorneys are saying that the sentence is too much because the man was so drunk he wasn't in control of his actions. They say that while he intended to rape the child he did not intend to kill her.
I heard about this on Monday I think and I'm still traumatized by it. Maybe it's because I have an 8-month-old, I don't know.
I just want to live in my little bubble of not ever knowing about a man who is capable of raping a 6-month-old child.
Now is the time for science to come up with some sort of selective memory erasing device.
Get on it science!
So I spent some time being offended. The five-year-old me crossed her arms and stuck out her pouty lip saying, "that wasn't very nice..."
I don't think race had anything to do with that, but it reminded me of something that happened to me a long time ago:
It was near midnight on a Friday and I was sitting at a stop light enjoying some rather loud techno on channel 93.3's Eleven program (before they started playing crappy techno) when a white car pulled up next to me. This car was full of drunk girls (that is giving them the benefit of the doubt, I don't know if they were actually drunk). The passenger got my attention and had me lower my music. What she proceeded to do was fling racial slurs at me. She looked so proud of herself while she did it too.
I don't remember what she said, or what I did because the whole thing was so surreal, but I'm pretty sure I did something dumb like say, "uh, okay," and roll up my window. She laughed and laughed and laughed at my reaction though.
I spent a good deal of time being offended over that one, and it still irks me to think about it. The five-year-old me wanted to throw something and cry, and she still kind of pouts about it.
This happened in at least 2008, maybe 2009. So a while ago.
In high-school I spent a week being physically ill because when I turned down one of my classmates for a date he decided that he, and all of his friends, would spread rumours about having slept with me. He had a lot of friends.
When I turned him down he said, "it's because I'm black, isn't it?"
I wasn't clever enough at the time, but I should have said, "no, but now it's because you pulled the race card."
In middle school I also spent some time feeling physically ill when girls I thought were my friends started spreading a rumour that I had gotten a favourite teacher of the class suspended and/or fired (I can't remember which) for reading out of the bible. The ring leader for this one was Jewish and I was Christian. It was her father who had gotten him in trouble, but for whatever reason she decided I should take the fall.
The whole thing was pretty ridiculous, seeing as nothing needed to be said about it. I was kind of sad the teacher was gone, but it wasn't the end of the world to me. I guess other people thought it was really important though.
Things like these tend to just happen to me, and I'm not fast enough on the uptake to really respond properly. It takes me a moment to process events and decide how I feel about them. In the mean time, I usually end up doing something stupid that I look back on and facepalm.
They do say that hindsight is 20/20.
The original point of this is that I think it's ridiculous that people who are supposed to be full-grown adults can be so spiteful and immature.
FAIR WARNING: do not read past this point if you are easily traumatized.
On a related note of losing faith in the human race: There's a case of a man raping his girlfriend's 6-month-old daughter to death. He was convicted, and sentenced to the death penalty but now his attorneys are saying that the sentence is too much because the man was so drunk he wasn't in control of his actions. They say that while he intended to rape the child he did not intend to kill her.
I heard about this on Monday I think and I'm still traumatized by it. Maybe it's because I have an 8-month-old, I don't know.
I just want to live in my little bubble of not ever knowing about a man who is capable of raping a 6-month-old child.
Now is the time for science to come up with some sort of selective memory erasing device.
Get on it science!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
End of Christmas Musings.
One of my major, major flaws is that I go and go and go until I just can't go anymore. I drive until I break down. Sometimes when I break down I'm a minor wreck, sometimes I'm a major catastrophe.
A beautiful example of this behavior in myself has been this holiday season - and, to some extent, getting the puppy. We had company starting the 17th of December. They left Christmas day and my parents arrived the 26th. My parents only stayed a few days, then hubby went on night shift. Then I got sick. Now we're here.
During this time it seems like I had multiple "holy shit, I can't handle all of this" moments. The biggest of these was this morning before mass. This one was triggered by a specific innocent phrase hubby said to me before leaving for work last night, but I had been teetering on the edge for a bit while I was sick.
God bless my husband. He deals with this particular fault very well, and I am enormously grateful for that.
I call this flaw/fault my boomerang flaw because it keeps coming back.
In my nature I am a doer. I like to get things done efficiently, sometimes to a fault. My ex roommate calls me the tetris master for how I load things into a car when moving (I've moved her two, maybe three times now); also for the way I load the dishwasher. I'm weird about the dishwasher. I hate to run it if there is any empty space, and I like to cram as many dirty dishes as physically possible into it before using the dish detergent.
Anywho.
Because I am a doer, I tend to be impatient about things not getting done. This is unfortunate, because I do things faster than most other people and I tend to expect someone to respond promptly to something like a full trash can. Other people just don't care as much about these things, and that's okay.
What I need to work on is being okay with it.
So I guess this fault is really two faults: going and going and going until I cannot possibly go any more mixed with being impatient.
When I was pregnant I was somehow able to turn this off in my head. I was okay with a fairly messy kitchen, and clutter on the breakfast bar.
I wish I had been able to retain that.
So, back to work I go. Hopefully I'll have some luck fixing this; I've tried so many times I've lost track. Although, I think I'm better than I was even last year.
Another thing I've been thinking about is how incredibly blessed I am to have sort of stumbled into my current life.
I love the family I married into, I don't have any weirdness with my own parents, I married the man of my dreams, and we have a beautiful baby boy.
I have no idea what I did right, or if I did anything right, really. It humbles me in an odd way to think about it.
I can say that I think my life is finally coming together, that I've finally figured out the right fork to take at the crossroads. It took some learning and some scars, but I think I may have got it together now (aside from the aforementioned flaw). Not to imply that I'm totally put together, because I'm not. As a side note: anyone who says they are should be carefully observed for signs of mental instability (i.e. living in la-la-land).
That's another topic: the situations and manners in which my scars reveal themselves continue to surprise me. That's maybe a story for another day.
~~~
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!
Also, merry Christmas (late), happy new year (late), and happy Epiphany! (late)
heh...better late than never?
A beautiful example of this behavior in myself has been this holiday season - and, to some extent, getting the puppy. We had company starting the 17th of December. They left Christmas day and my parents arrived the 26th. My parents only stayed a few days, then hubby went on night shift. Then I got sick. Now we're here.
During this time it seems like I had multiple "holy shit, I can't handle all of this" moments. The biggest of these was this morning before mass. This one was triggered by a specific innocent phrase hubby said to me before leaving for work last night, but I had been teetering on the edge for a bit while I was sick.
God bless my husband. He deals with this particular fault very well, and I am enormously grateful for that.
I call this flaw/fault my boomerang flaw because it keeps coming back.
In my nature I am a doer. I like to get things done efficiently, sometimes to a fault. My ex roommate calls me the tetris master for how I load things into a car when moving (I've moved her two, maybe three times now); also for the way I load the dishwasher. I'm weird about the dishwasher. I hate to run it if there is any empty space, and I like to cram as many dirty dishes as physically possible into it before using the dish detergent.
Anywho.
Because I am a doer, I tend to be impatient about things not getting done. This is unfortunate, because I do things faster than most other people and I tend to expect someone to respond promptly to something like a full trash can. Other people just don't care as much about these things, and that's okay.
What I need to work on is being okay with it.
So I guess this fault is really two faults: going and going and going until I cannot possibly go any more mixed with being impatient.
When I was pregnant I was somehow able to turn this off in my head. I was okay with a fairly messy kitchen, and clutter on the breakfast bar.
I wish I had been able to retain that.
So, back to work I go. Hopefully I'll have some luck fixing this; I've tried so many times I've lost track. Although, I think I'm better than I was even last year.
Another thing I've been thinking about is how incredibly blessed I am to have sort of stumbled into my current life.
I love the family I married into, I don't have any weirdness with my own parents, I married the man of my dreams, and we have a beautiful baby boy.
I have no idea what I did right, or if I did anything right, really. It humbles me in an odd way to think about it.
I can say that I think my life is finally coming together, that I've finally figured out the right fork to take at the crossroads. It took some learning and some scars, but I think I may have got it together now (aside from the aforementioned flaw). Not to imply that I'm totally put together, because I'm not. As a side note: anyone who says they are should be carefully observed for signs of mental instability (i.e. living in la-la-land).
That's another topic: the situations and manners in which my scars reveal themselves continue to surprise me. That's maybe a story for another day.
~~~
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!
Also, merry Christmas (late), happy new year (late), and happy Epiphany! (late)
heh...better late than never?
Friday, December 23, 2011
Lessons Nine, Ten, and Eleven
I have finished Convert Instructions! Next step is a conditional baptism, conditional confession, and first holy communion. I'm excited! At my last lesson I picked up a Roman Missal, which I am also super excited about.
Quick note: check out Dyno-Mom's blog! She's coming out with a book soon and I'm super excited for it!
I guess I'm just super excited all around this weekend. It is Christmas, so that could account for most of it.
By the way, Merry Christmas to you, dear reader! I hope you're having an excellent holiday.
Lesson Nine:
The Holy Spirit and Grace
"Where the offense has abounded, grace has abounded yet more" (Romans 5, 20).
A. The Holy Spirirt
The Holy Spirit, symbolized by a dove, comes from the Father and the Son like love from the heart. He is the mutual love of the Father and the Son.
B. Grace
110. How many kinds of grace are there? There are two kinds of grace, sanctifying grace and actual grace.
C. Sources of Grace
117. What are the principle ways of obtaining grace? The principle ways of obtaining grace are prayer and the sacraments, especially the Holy Eucharist.
Lesson Ten:
The Virtues and Gifts of the Holy Spirit
A. Virtues
121. What are the three theological virtues? The three theological virtues are faith, hope, and charity.
B. Gifts of the Holy Spirit
This chapter has so many good lessons in it, I will most likely post a whole entry on it Monday, after Christmas. For now I will list the beatitudes as I consider them too important to be left out - as a lot of things are in this lesson, actually...
129. Which are the eight beatitudes?
The eight beatitudes are:
Lesson Eleven:
The Catholic Church
136. What is the Church? The Church is the congregation of all baptized persons united in the same true faith, the same sacrifice, and the same sacraments, under the authority of the Sovereign Pontiff and the bishops in communion with him.
The Church is the mystical body of Christ.
A small note on the difficulties of forgiveness:
I had to call Sears Repair for a second time yesterday to fix my washer, which was broken by my last roommate. Everything that had happened until this point had been quietly piling up in the shadows, waiting until my resolve was the weakest to fall over and trigger my emotions. The pile - being rather high - did some damage and I found myself seething after hanging up the phone. I was angry that, after everything else, I couldn't just move on. It was as if - through this broken machine - she was mocking me (which is ridiculous), keeping me from traveling forward on the path of forgiveness and emotional health.
I broke down and posted a rant on another journal about it. This didn't help because it was, in effect, the wrong thing to do. However, I decided to keep the journal up, hanging my anger to dry [read dissipate] on the clothesline of the interwebs. Perhaps I will remove it at a later date.
What I learned is that it's going to be a while longer before I am healed. The journey through hurt is a long and arduous one, but at the end I will find strength and a new - better - me.
The difficult part is remembering to pray when I'm traversing a crevasse in the icy path.
Quick note: check out Dyno-Mom's blog! She's coming out with a book soon and I'm super excited for it!
I guess I'm just super excited all around this weekend. It is Christmas, so that could account for most of it.
By the way, Merry Christmas to you, dear reader! I hope you're having an excellent holiday.
~~~
Lesson Nine:
The Holy Spirit and Grace
"Where the offense has abounded, grace has abounded yet more" (Romans 5, 20).
A. The Holy Spirirt
The Holy Spirit, symbolized by a dove, comes from the Father and the Son like love from the heart. He is the mutual love of the Father and the Son.
B. Grace
110. How many kinds of grace are there? There are two kinds of grace, sanctifying grace and actual grace.
C. Sources of Grace
117. What are the principle ways of obtaining grace? The principle ways of obtaining grace are prayer and the sacraments, especially the Holy Eucharist.
"It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works"
Lesson Ten:
The Virtues and Gifts of the Holy Spirit
A. Virtues
121. What are the three theological virtues? The three theological virtues are faith, hope, and charity.
B. Gifts of the Holy Spirit
This chapter has so many good lessons in it, I will most likely post a whole entry on it Monday, after Christmas. For now I will list the beatitudes as I consider them too important to be left out - as a lot of things are in this lesson, actually...
129. Which are the eight beatitudes?
The eight beatitudes are:
- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
- Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.
- Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
- Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be satisfied.
- Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
- Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God.
- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.
- Blessed are they who suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Lesson Eleven:
The Catholic Church
136. What is the Church? The Church is the congregation of all baptized persons united in the same true faith, the same sacrifice, and the same sacraments, under the authority of the Sovereign Pontiff and the bishops in communion with him.
The Church is the mystical body of Christ.
~~~
A small note on the difficulties of forgiveness:
I had to call Sears Repair for a second time yesterday to fix my washer, which was broken by my last roommate. Everything that had happened until this point had been quietly piling up in the shadows, waiting until my resolve was the weakest to fall over and trigger my emotions. The pile - being rather high - did some damage and I found myself seething after hanging up the phone. I was angry that, after everything else, I couldn't just move on. It was as if - through this broken machine - she was mocking me (which is ridiculous), keeping me from traveling forward on the path of forgiveness and emotional health.
I broke down and posted a rant on another journal about it. This didn't help because it was, in effect, the wrong thing to do. However, I decided to keep the journal up, hanging my anger to dry [read dissipate] on the clothesline of the interwebs. Perhaps I will remove it at a later date.
What I learned is that it's going to be a while longer before I am healed. The journey through hurt is a long and arduous one, but at the end I will find strength and a new - better - me.
The difficult part is remembering to pray when I'm traversing a crevasse in the icy path.
"It's not the long walk home that will change this heart,Quotes from the song Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford and Sons
But the welcome I receive with the restart"
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