I just finished reading a book called Good News About Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching by Christopher West. Mine was not the revised edition the link goes to.
As a convert this book was helpful. It went into greater depth on many subjects than hubby could, and it answered my questions - some of which I didn't even know I had. More than that, the book solidified my theory that there is a great divide between society and Christian morals. I know that's like pointing to the sky and saying, "look! It's blue!" but the separation is more noticeable to me now.
Before I had even thought about converting, in 2006(ish), I was living with my first boyfriend. I had been neglecting my religious life except to attend a church camp during high school ('06 was my graduation year) but I still held firm to waiting until marriage...until pushover me happened. I was devastated, and I should have known right then and there to leave and put myself back together, but the stubborn me decided I could make things right if only I married this boy. I was 18, and being 18 I was pretty dumb. Maybe not dumb, but certainly clueless.
At any rate, I would come across the Christian teaching of sex and marriage in various ways and I would willfully ignore it. I chose not to acknowledge it because it made me uncomfortable. I wouldn't even take the time to really think about why it made me uncomfortable, I'd just forget about it and go about my merry way. Because if I didn't pretend it didn't exist (via making fun of it with all of my other liberal friends) I had to look my mistake square in the eyes and completely reorder my life. I knew I was wrong, and I knew I wasn't happy, but I wasn't willing to face the amount of change that needed to happen to make things right. It wasn't until I was completely miserable that I decided to make a change, but even then it was a pathetic change, and I didn't learn anything.
I didn't learn anything because according to society I had nothing to learn, I just had to find myself a better boy.
So I went on toeing around the Christian teaching, making absurd excuses like, "everybody else does it," to bandage the wound I had so covertly inflicted upon myself. I say covertly because I didn't even realize what I was doing when it happened, all I knew was that I was hurting. I spent a few years playing the blame game and pointing fingers to things that had nothing to do with my pain. But it always came back, and each time it was a little more acute. I was bandaging the wound, but not cleaning it so that it could truly heal.
Then I met my husband.
We had a lot of conversations while riding around the city in his car. A very large portion of them was me posing theoretical situations to him regarding Christian teaching. Eventually I decided to go to midnight mass, and then I made the commitment to convert. It took me a long time to level with my past decisions, and I still haven't found peace from them, but I'm getting there: it's hard to say, "yeah, I messed up," instead of making excuses.
But now I understand the way things are meant to be. I understand that society has degraded and is degrading sex in such a way that is laying the foundation for social turmoil. The separation that has occurred regarding sexuality is quietly destructive. Women complain that they can't find a decent man, but they don't understand that a huge part of the reason for this is because of what society is teaching. A lot of people seem to miss the real importance of the contraceptive debate for this reason. More is at stake here than people realize, and those that don't see are (more often than not) blinded by the intentional divorce of sex and children.
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